23.

Cake for my last birthday. I got creative.

I won’t always love what I’ll never have, I won’t always live in my regrets…

Today I am 24. As far back as I can remember, my birthday has made me anxious. I’ve never liked to be center of attention. I dreaded opening gifts in front of a circle of people, desperately trying to compose my face into an expression of delight whilst fighting the urge to run out the door. As an adult, it’s about more than just shyness. I absolutely appreciate a thoughtful present, but I would genuinely rather someone makes time for me than they spend money on me. I’m sure other July babies can relate to the fact that there’s a lot going on with holidays, events, summer jobs – time is difficult to find.

Birthdays were really a cocktail of disaster for someone like me. I’m a deep thinker, a perfectionist, I like things to go to plan, and I always want to please others. But I am very stubborn. I never felt like I could live up to the expectations for a birthday and so some years I refused to celebrate it at all. If you think I sound selfish, I actually agree with you. I’m sure that I hurt family and friends by not being grateful that they wanted to do something for me.

You’ll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time… What are you hoping for?

There is less pressure as I get older, especially with all my moving around, but I am still thinking about how to approach a day that makes me panicky. My solution, from now on, is to use the spotlight in a positive way. Firstly, I want to take this day to express how much I love and appreciate my friends and family, whether in England, Ireland or America. I have had a turbulent couple of years, and you have all shown me so much love and support. I could not have kept going without your company, your advice, your comedy and your kindness.

Secondly, I am giving everyone a present. Can you guess what it is? Yes, a real blog post! Okay, maybe not the BEST present but you’re here now so it’s something to read while you eat lunch or whatever. I am doing something a little artsy-fartsy and different by interspersing this post with lyrics, but it’s for good reason.

Amazing still it seems, I’ll be 23…

I was inspired to write this post a couple of days ago when I was listening to Pandora and Jimmy Eat World’s “23” came on. It is a very special song to me. I first heard it in 2005. Twenty-three felt a long way away to me then, and I could only imagine what my life might be like in 8 years. I distinctly remember playing the song on my iPod on Hallowe’en of 2007, as I sat on a plane headed to New York. I had the next five years mapped out: gap year, two years at UEA, a year in the states, final year of UEA. I would turn twenty-three around the time of graduation, and from there was a true unknown. Listening to the song, I vaguely wondered about location, career, and love. At that time, I had dreams to live in the US more permanently, I thought I would like to work in publishing, and I wasn’t sure that I knew what being in love felt like. Every time I heard “23”, as I came closer to reaching it myself, I would think about how my hopes and dreams were changing.

No one else will know these lonely dreams…

That moment was 5 years and 8.5 months ago. Naturally, my desires for location, career and relationships changed a lot during that time. I suffered through extreme homesickness during my year abroad and felt sure I would never leave England again; I became convinced that I wanted to be an academic; I swung from avoiding dating entirely to muddling through difficult relationships and finally figuring out what I wanted. But the funny thing is, most of what I initially wished for – what I thought about during that plane ride – came true during my 23^rd year. I moved back to the US; I pursued a Master’s and realized I want to work in publishing more than I want to get a PhD; I’m in a stable and happy relationship.

And I still listen to Jimmy Eat World. I have many memories of playing Futures with secondary school friends, which turned into a lot of Clarity and Chase This Light at UEA. It’s funny to me that thinking about them really irritated me when I was at Carolina; it is so fitting to how frustrated I was with life in general. They released Invented, which at first I did not like at all, and then went touring in Europe, stopping at none other than NORWICH, where all my friends went to see them without me. But, it got better. Their music still conjures good memories, and I have tickets to see them live in Charlotte this summer.

Now - with the help of Jimmy Eat World - I will tell you a few things I’m especially grateful for as I move on from 23…

I’m still driving away…  

I am finally driving! I’ve always boasted about my love of public transport, cycling and walking, and didn’t bother to get a license. But then I moved to the South. And mashed up my coccyx so I can no longer sit on a bike. I couldn’t buy groceries or really go anywhere in Mississippi without the aid of friends, so I finally got a permit and bought a car. Her name is Caddy (who gets it?). I’m planning on taking my test in a couple of months. And yes, British friends, you can make fun of me because I did NOT  a) learn to drive a manual or b) get TRULY tested by enduring the humiliation of the British driving test. But I will counter with the fact that my driving test fees cost $15 (around £10). So.

That once we said goodbye…  

Speaking of Britain, YES, I MISS YOU ALL. I miss narrow lanes and HobNobs and European fashion and Ribena and the BBC and Curlywurlies and people who know about Michael Palin and Stephen Fry and The Tea Junction. I’ll be back in December with my strange American-Southern/English-Southern accent. Bloody hell, y’all!

 

No one else will have me, only you…  

Public declarations of love are not really my thang, but I still want to say how much I love and appreciate my wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh, puts up with my hysteria and hypochondria, politely tries most of my experimental dinners, and truly believes in me. He’s my best friend, and I’m so happy that I will finally spend a birthday with him. Even if we will be having vegan cake.

Don’t give away the end, the one thing that stays mine…  

Writing is still my greatest passion. I’m very grateful that I have had so much encouragement to keep going, and ideas to keep me working. On a related note, I am spending my summer interning with the Hub City Writers Project, a literary nonprofit in Spartanburg, South Carolina that is both press and independent bookstore. I have been running their teen summer camps, which has led to new dreams about stories, teaching, nonprofit work and more. It’s been a real privilege. Also, their conference is this weekend, meaning I can spend my birthday hanging out with writers. Perfect!

I won’t always live, not stopping…  

It seems I like to keep lurching around and between two countries, despite how much I loathe packing and plane rides. Over the last 2 years, I have lived in Chapel Hill, North Carolina; Norwich, UK; (a total of 3 weeks in San Francisco, California); St. Albans, UK; Oxford, Mississippi; Spartanburg, South Carolina. I’m not sure where I’m headed after this year. I made a list of possible cities for fun and came up with a variety including Austin, Brighton, Buenos Aires, Berlin  and even “somewhere in Sweden”. Mostly I just want to be somewhere where someone will pay me.

And I’m sorry every day…  

I considered making my own sad face but ultimately decided I'm not as cool.

I ended up being WAY too busy in graduate school to ever update this blog. But I have been keeping notes, and I’m hoping to have a window of time before classes start again. I desperately want to tell you all about Oxford!

But that’s it from me for now. Happy birthday to me, but more importantly - I hope that YOU have a great day!

"Is he in therapy?" "Nah, he's got me."

I wasn’t planning to write again until next month, when I am once again going to San Francisco followed by the BAAS conference/banquet in Manchester. However, I recently attended a meeting for outgoing year abroad students which inspired me to write this entry. Dr Rachael McLennan asked me to come so that I could talk about my year abroad experiences and how they informed my dissertation and led to my scholarship. As I sat there, it suddenly dawned on me that all the advice being given was still relevant to me, since… I am going abroad this summer too! I know – I should really try to remember that. Anyway, I wanted to write about what I wish I had known whilst I was abroad in case it is useful for anyone else. I also think it will be useful for me.

I had so many intentions before I left for Carolina, but once I got there my motivation dwindled and I mostly stewed in my homesickness and frustration. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I’d like to think that it will all just be easier this time and shrug it off, but if I have learnt anything from my year abroad, it’s that self-awareness is your best friend. I can’t know or prepare for everything that’s to come, and I wouldn’t want to anyway. Oxford is the next adventure for me, and my excitement far exceeds my anxiety. Part of taking a big risk like that is accepting that you’re going to be in freefall. Even so, I hope that my previous experiences will be beneficial (to anyone else, too, if you are reading!).

As you will glean from the structure of my points, I don’t believe in hard and fast rules, but about trying to create a healthy balance. Here are some of my best lessons…

Be Proactive and Assertive

I think at UEA we are lucky to have so many open societies which actively look for more members. I found that UNC was more of a puzzle, and I didn’t have much luck joining anything or finding out about events. Despite the early disappointments, I really wish I had kept trying. I wish I had seen more plays, attended more campus events, explored new places – even if I had to go by myself. I was so used to being part of a group at UEA that I never learned just to go and enjoy something on my own. It’s an important skill and it will stop you from missing out. Out of my comfort zone, I also became more reserved. I stood in my own way when it came to making friends and wasn’t assertive enough; consequently it took me a long time to make them. Don’t allow yourself to stop trying if it doesn’t go your way at first. Keep going. Push yourself.

BUT Take Care of Yourself

Sometimes it’s okay to just watch One Tree Hill in your bed (especially if you’re in North Carolina, then it’s practically research). Really. Don’t feel like you have to do everything if you don’t feel like it. I routinely tortured myself about everything I was missing out on, and it was pointless to put so much pressure on myself. When I look back, I realise that I do have a lot of good memories, even if they were just hanging out with my friends and not doing anything “significant”. Not every day is going to be exciting or even pleasant at all, and that’s okay. Being somewhere new is incredibly stimulating, but it’s also overwhelming. I wish I had been easier on myself, and done more to feel good. I would definitely recommend taking advantage of the free gyms, different sports/exercise opportunities etc. I really regret not taking up running in Chapel Hill, since it’s a beautiful area and it would have kept me healthier. (Better late than never, though – and Norwich is beautiful to run around too!) Also, reign yourself in when it comes to the food. I’m not just talking about weight gain (though that was a definite part of my year abroad), but about the fact that there can be a lot of additives etc which your body is not used to, and it can make you unwell. Also, be careful with alcohol. It’s all very well to have a good time, but you’re much more vulnerable in a new place with new people.

Communicate with Others

It’s great meeting new people, but sometimes you will just want to hear a familiar voice. I was a Skype and Facebook addict the entire year, and for the most part I loved hearing what was going on at home. I wanted to stay connected to my life in Norwich. It’s important to have encouragement from the people who know you best. It’s also important to be open with the people around you. Ask your new friends, your professors, etc, to help you out if you are struggling. I was often far too stubborn for my own good, and did not want to admit how much I needed other people to help me, or to make a change in my situation. I could probably have avoided a lot of pain and drama if I had spoken up earlier about what was going on with me, or accepted the olive branches being offered. It’s also really important to talk to people who have been through the same, whether that’s people at your university who have studied abroad, other international students, or friends from home who have done American Studies or similar. (Here I feel I should say a big thank you to Ailsa Bristow!)

BUT Listen to Yourself

I’ve just admitted that I’m stubborn, but conversely I was a victim of listening to other people too much. When I was having trouble at UNC, I found that a lot of people were (unintentionally, I’m sure) dismissive about how hard it was. When you have never lived abroad, it is completely impossible to truly comprehend how isolating and lonely it can be. Some of my isolation was most definitely my own doing, but a lot of it was out of my control. When you are struggling, it only makes it worse to have someone tell you that it’s not a big deal or that you’re just not trying hard enough. What is even worse than that is to believe it yourself. Be honest with yourself, and try hard, but don’t blame yourself if everything isn’t perfect. The other point I want to make here is how important it is to pay attention to your own needs. I think if I had had the courage to make decisions just for myself, and not worried about what other people would say about it, I would have been much happier. Sometimes it is not selfish or arrogant to decide that you know best, it’s just the truth.

Document Your Experiences

Takes photos, keep a journal, keep a blog (hi), make a box of keepsakes. It’s a good idea to carry your camera around with you, even just to take pictures as you walk around campus. I loved writing this blog. It forced me to have a sense of humour even when all I wanted to do was cry and book a flight home. I’ve written a journal most of my life (regularly for 10 years now), and I think it’s an excellent way to appreciate the little things in life, and to hold yourself accountable to mistakes. When I read back on my personal journal, it’s a little painful to see how much I struggled sometimes, but it also tells the most outrageous stories. The most dramatic of those were from my month of travelling around with Jess and Faye. I have many photos from our trip that I cherish and look over every time I need a laugh. Though it may not feel like it at the beginning, the year goes by very fast, and it’s important to preserve the memories as best you can. As was mentioned in the meeting, something like a blog may come in handy later when you’re applying for jobs. The biggest benefit to me was being able to write something that a lot of people were interested in reading – it actually put me back in touch with old school friends who had followed the links on Facebook. I’m intending to be a more regular blogger when I go to Mississippi.

BUT Remember Your Life is Not a Movie

I said already that I was a Facebook addict. I know it is a double-edged sword. Photos, communication, information, humour = good. Stalking, jealousy, wallowing, grammar atrocities = bad. I was so worried about what people thought of me at home, falling from my social/academic grace abroad, that I became obsessed with how I appeared on Facebook. I haven’t changed my profile picture in two months – are people talking about how I must not have any friends? Was that last status funny, or a little too whiny? WHY IS THAT PERSON HAVING SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN ME? Try to remember that Facebook is not a true reflection of reality. Also, whilst I mentioned that photos/journals are important, the best moments I experienced abroad were not photographed, blogged about, or shared on Facebook. University is an incredibly social experience, and I was so bound up in that at UEA. At Carolina, I truly learned to be comfortable by myself. My most vivid memories are of private moments in which I got closer to a friend, finally felt like I could do Zumba, or finished a particularly challenging project. I didn’t need to stop and take a photo in order to remember it.

Congratulate Yourself

This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. Well done for considering it, well done for taking the plunge, well done for staying where you are, well done for making the most of it, well done for coming home a better person. Applaud yourself every day!

BUT Say Thank You

I have to admit, I was not always as grateful as I should have been. I was so consumed in my own unhappiness at points that I did not take enough time to say thank you. I hope that by the end of my time I was a lot better at expressing my gratitude to all the wonderful people that supported me. Part of the reason why I chose to write my dissertation on empathy is because I realised just how important it is. It is because of the people that took the time to listen and to understand that I was able to keep going, to make sense of the difficulties, and to trust that things would get better.

And now for the most important tip of all…

For God’s sake, apply insect repellent.

Good luck to everyone going abroad this summer!

There's not a lot of reason to this other than the fact that I love Obama. And he has great facial expressions.

ETA: So I just discovered that you can look up stats to see how many people are reading. I have had far more people stumble across this blog than I expected! I know that some probably got here by mistake or clicked back immediately (especially if all you saw was the pic of my bug bites - sorry!) but if you do read this blog, please leave a comment to let me know! Sometimes people email me or comment on my Facebook but it would be great to get comments here, too, just to know what your thoughts are, if you've had similar experiences, etc. Once I'm back in the States I would really love suggestions for what to write about. :) /end vanity.

It’s a dream, but there’s a real world waiting

Skype me!

Poor blog. I did sort of abandon you (again). In my defence, I also keep a regular journal and travel journal, then there’s my short stories to think about. And Facebook and Twitter and texting and emails… It’s easy to get distracted. I think back to when I used to write as a kid and it seems so much easier without all the technology. Don’t get me wrong, I still typed everything out (though thankfully my early stories, which read as something like a Last of the Mohicans-Friends hybrid – I know, hard to think how that would work, most likely because it didn’t – have long since disappeared into the ether) but I tended to just write for hours and nothing else. So I am blaming the internet for distracting me from my internet journal.

Since my last entry, I descended into finals madness, complete with dreadlocking hair, terrible outfits and the inability to eat and sleep regularly. It was NOT pretty. The effort that students put in at Carolina is inspiring, but honestly, I’m so happy to slump back to UEA and know I only have to go in two days a week. I like the independence of UK education. Fewer contact hours does feel like we’re getting cheated in some ways, but I much prefer getting to structure my own days, choosing what books I’m going to read, what topics I’m going to write about, when my deadlines are going to be. Sometimes at UEA it can feel like I’m drifting into empty space, nothing obstructing me but nothing guiding me. Carolina just felt like a circus. However, I jumped through the last set of hoops and packed up my things, then got on a plane headed to New Orleans.

Where shit gets really crazy. I recommend taking up yoga before you go, so that you can practise your cleansing breath for the moment(s) you think you're about to die.

 I would LOVE to bore you with every single great story from my travels, but I know that this is never fun for anyone else so I will restrain. Instead, have a list of everywhere that I went: New Orleans, LA; Austin, TX; Denver, CO; Park City, UT; San Francisco, CA; Los Angeles, CA; Laguna Niguel, CA; Washington D.C; New York City, NY; Nashville, TN; Memphis, TN; Oxford, MS; Wilmington, NC. If you plan to travel the US or are heading towards any of these places any time soon please feel free to get in touch. If you want to know where to go I’m going to give a big thumbs up to Austin and San Francisco in particular, but on a previous trip I fell in love with Boston, too. If you have lots of money you need to get rid of please take me with you. You would think that after three holidays, a month of travel on Amtrak, and a year of studying and travelling in the US I would never want to see it again, or at least want to go somewhere else. But what can I say? Despite all its craziness, America is a wonderful place to be. Actually, that’s probably BECAUSE of its craziness. (“If U do not pray God will B angry and U will go 2 Hell where U will burn”, for example. What an inviting sign to have outside a church. Snaps for Wilmington!)

It’s funny, during my year abroad I would constantly worry about how I could possibly respond to people’s questions once I returned home. I learned so much, had great experiences, made lifelong friends and was forced to truly stand on my own two mosquito-bitten feet. But it never felt as perfect or as easy as I thought it would. I don’t in any way regret my decisions, but to say that it was the best year of my life would be disingenuous. It was many things – eye-opening, inspiring, life-changing – but it was never easy, not for a single day. How do you explain all that when someone asks, “How was it?”? The truth is, I’ve not needed to. Other returning year abroad students have found the same; once you are home, people are really not massively interested in what you did whilst away from them. On the one hand it’s great, because I don’t need to attempt to explain things that others couldn’t possibly understand. (I don’t say this to be offensive, I just know that prior to my year abroad I could never have appreciated what these situations would be like.)

On the other hand, it is so difficult to be part of group conversations. I don’t want to bore people with year abroad stories, but how do you talk about yourself without ever mentioning the past YEAR of your life? If I talked purely about my life since returning home, it would be restricted purely to my new job at the Iron House restaurant, the millions of cupcakes I baked, and the fact that I’m nearly finished with Couch to 5k. This sounds like a lot, but… It’s not. If I want to mention being back at UEA, it feels a little strange right now because I’ve been on a year abroad. I’m working on my dissertation which I started on my year abroad. My friends Jess and Faye visited Norwich last weekend – I met them on my year abroad. Also, now you mention it, I got a new job because I left Starbucks to go on my year abroad, I started baking cupcakes because I tried so many on my year abroad, and Couch to 5k became highly necessarily after I ate everything in sight on my year abroad. So you see my predicament.

Aside from this, home is very good. The first couple of months were hard, as I tried to adjust to being back but with nothing being the same. Most of my UEA friends have graduated or left Norwich entirely, I live in a different house, and not to mention I am a fourth year. That sounds unbelievably old! But the positives do outweigh the negatives. After such an intensely difficult year at Carolina, I feel relieved to be somewhere familiar. And overall, I would say that I just feel… relaxed. When I left for Carolina about 13 months ago, I was a perfectionist to the end. I worried about everything, from my grades to my weight to other people’s opinions. Once you have failed a module, ceased to fit into your jeans and had everyone around you treat you like crap, a few slots down from perfect does not seem so bad. So long as I’m learning lots, am generally in good health and have a group of people around to eat my cupcakes I know I can and will be happy. Self-actualisation, all for the price of a plane ticket to America!

All that remains for me to say now is… What shall I do with this blog? I’m home now, after all, no longer in the Land of the Free. But I do have a few things still to come, I think. I am, of course, still an American Studies student, and writing a dissertation about the South. I also feel as though my dealings with America are far from over. At this point, I have no idea whether I will pursue American Studies in a postgraduate context or not. I don’t know if I will be able to work or study out there again. I do know that I will keep in touch with the incredible Americans who made me a welcome guest in their country. I will continue to think fondly of my experiences travelling. And take many more trips there again and again. 

"I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance."

During my first year at UEA I took a module called Introduction to American Studies, which covered a large range of topics such as race, gender, religion, youth, etc., applying this to many aspects of American culture ranging from Native Americans to congress to television shows. In short, it got us to consider America's ideologies and the ways in which they influence the country as a whole. America and ideology go hand in hand, evidenced by how easy it is to name its oft-quoted values. What values can I name quickly that I think of as “American”? Freedom. Prosperity. Opportunity. Many other pleasing words. How about “British”? Er, well... I'm struggling – are you?* It's obviously not that Britain is devoid of values, nor that we aren't proud of our culture and heritage. But patriotism isn't quite so encouraged; in fact, announcing that one is proud to be British must almost always be followed with, “But I don't read The Daily Mail or anything!” Britain is tiny, yet our identity isn't as cohesive as America's, at first glance, appears to be.

(* Natasha Ross, UEA Community & Student Rights Officer-elect, via Facebook chat: “Hmm... British values... I have no idea.” I'm not alone!)

Let me first say this: America has always fascinated me, and I have an inexplicable love for a country that I never had an obvious connection to. Despite this, there are aspects of the culture I dislike. I have no idea who to blame for making me this way, but I hate Categories. Many of you have heard the real time, audio version of the rant that is about to appear so feel free to skip if you can't bear another go-round. We love to define other people's identities. We love to say, “That person is a theist/agnostic/atheist. That person is heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual/transsexual. That person is liberal/conservative.” I understand why this is obvious and in some circumstances, useful. But I get bothered by the extent to which people rely on these incredibly broad terms to skip out on appreciating individuality. I don't think it's out of line to suggest that some people look at the Categories before the person, and make judgements based on tick-boxes. Categories are more and more becoming a part of British culture (thanks, Prime Minister), but America is King of the “us/them” rhetoric.

Let's take a look at this:

Of course this is from a movie. Of course it is exaggerated. But I am constantly surprised at the degree to which this can translate to real life, and the way in which some people really and truly believe Categories are a beneficial way to look at others, whether in a comical way like Means Girls or in a way that has more serious repercussions. (Take a look at how Native Americans are still marginalised, particularly twentieth-century efforts towards assimilation. It’s heartbreaking.) At home I'm not sure all of my friends could tell you that I'm an agnostic, or what party I voted for in the last election. Here, I found that my religious/spiritual beliefs come up pretty quickly, and it's the first time I've ever been called “a liberal”. I'm obviously aware that my views can mostly be counted as liberal, but does this make me “a liberal”, an extension to my personality that I did not ask for or seek out? Obviously I can't avoid the association. But it feels like, for all my resistance of being categorised, of being part of a group, I can’t avoid being stereotyped either.

Growing up in England in a mostly white, middle-class town, I can’t say that I have ever been the subject of prejudice. I have never really had to deal with being stereotyped or judged for simply being who I am. (The only exception would be in telling someone I’m a feminist. Feminism is not misandry, it means believing in equal rights, friends.) I think I’ve already hinted at this in my previous posts, but America has been something else. On the whole, Chapel Hill is a great place to visit, and to live, but I was unlucky in the way I was treated at times. Sometimes people were rude to me in class, such as insisting that they couldn’t understand my accent at all. This stung at the time, but I know I’m not alone in that, and other international students have dealt with the same. What’s worse is the fact that some people just cannot get over the fact that I’m foreign. To them, I will never just be a person, or a woman, or a UNC student like them, because I’m foreign and therefore different. I’m sitting on the other side of the “us/them” table.

I know that this is not just America: being an exchange student must be hard wherever you go, and I think people tend to be more dismissive of those that will only be there a short amount of time, and dismissive of those they deem more effort to understand. It takes a certain kind of person to be curious about people from other cultures, and a certain kind of person to see that they’re more similar to you than they are different. Here’s the best part about my hardships in America: my dissertation topic struck me like lightning. I am going to be exploring the idea of empathy. Of course, my actual dissertation will be tailoring this to William Faulkner and Southern culture specifically (anyone get the reference in the title? Just me?), but it’s got me thinking about it more generally, too.

So here are, thus far, some of my thoughts on how empathy functions and what that means for cultural encounters. We grow up with the “us/them” rhetoric, with varying degrees of subtlety. It may be simply that our media is obsessed with the problems of immigration, that our schools naturally form cliques according to religion/race/class, or that we’re never really exposed to people outside of our own sect. Many people grow up believing – or being told by guardians – that others in the world are fundamentally different, incompatible for friendship, and even harmful to be around. Take, for example, if you are someone who is raised as part of religious sect where any non-believers are considered the dangerous “other”. If or when you encounter someone of that sort, your sense of empathy for that person may well be small or non-existent. You can rationalise it that they are not deserving of your kindness or notice because they are different from you, living an immoral lifestyle, fundamentally wrong.

I’m pushing it to an extreme example, but hopefully this process is helpful in considering prejudice, whether for race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, etc. I’m not sure to what extent empathy is natural, and to what extent it is learned. I have always been an empathetic person – I would say uncontrollably so. I’ve grown up writing, which is an activity that demands of you to get inside other people’s heads. (Fun fact: far from being socially strange bookworms, those who read fiction are more likely to have close relationships. Reading develops your ability to empathise with others!) Even when I am angry at someone, I automatically start considering their viewpoint too, wondering how they see a situation differently to me. In some ways, being empathetic is a good thing; I’m probably more reasonable for it. In other ways, it sucks. I take on other people’s emotions as if they’re contagious, and I feel compelled to help people even when they’re not nice to me. Some people view this as a weakness. I agree that I would definitely make a rubbish soldier, but this wimpishness is beneficial for my writing, right?

I seem to have rambled more even than usual, so let’s movie trailer conclude: Categories, assimilation, us/them rhetoric… This forms a cohesive, mainstream identity for a country, which is both wonderful and harmful. You could argue that it brings people together, but it also makes those who do not measure up to the ideal feel inadequate. And as for empathy… It also promotes the idea that there is a “right” way to be, when we’re actually all so individual that it’s impossible. It gives us the excuse to judge those who are different, to deem them unworthy of our empathy (if we are empathetic people in the first place – as far as I know so far, some people barely have the ability at all). As you can probably tell… I’m struggling to write a decent conclusion, partly because all my final papers are on my mind! I may have to return to these ideas later, when my research is further along. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a much better writer than myself:

“It's so important for us all to be ourselves, warts and all, even though you might be considered a bit odd. We're programmed to conform from a very early age, which restricts us and causes more tensions than it relieves. We're encouraged to suppress the subconscious and beware of imagination because it's destructive to the behaviour codes we've developed. So most people lead fairly boring, monotonous lives and a jester in society becomes quite a privileged figure. But there's a jester in all of us and it should be encouraged.” 

(Probably my favourite non-conformist alive today. Michael Palin interview, Radio Times, 15-21 April 1995, pp 17-20.)

"You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!"

 "... I'm not."

Where are you going, where have you been?

A suitcase, a British passport, and a sleepy American Studies student.

My original intention was to write a pre-departure entry about the various preparations to complete before I left - but said preparations were so overwhelming that I never found the time. Consequently, I'm writing at a half-way point: on the plane crossing the Atlantic, four hours from London and four to go until I reach New York.

I'm not sure where exactly my year abroad began. It may have been back in 2006, when I first started looking at university courses (and was probably inspired by my older brother's year abroad in Argentina). It may have been during my first year and a half at UEA, where my interests changed completely. Like 99% of American Studies students, it was only later that I learned to look past California and New York to see the other pieces of the jigsaw. Now, there is nowhere I would rather be headed than to the South. It is also interesting that I've not ended up at a liberal arts college like I expected, but I am grateful for this too; I've evolved from a purely academic focus to appreciate everything else that a university has to offer, so where better to go than somewhere as large and diverse as UNC?

The months in between finding out I'm going to Chapel Hill and this moment right now can be summed up easily in one word: forms. Between the visa application, university documents, student finance, housing lease and too many others to mention, I would be happy never to write my name, birthdate and nationality ever again. The only thing worse than filling in all those forms was packing. You would think that my (admittedly rather zealous at times) organisational side would kick in, make loads of lists and arrange items in the suitcases by category, but this was not so. It's not even that I have an unusual attachment to my clothes or stuff in general, but the act of actually packing and preparing to leave was one of the most emotionally draining things I had to do.

About a month ago someone said to me, "Soon it will really hit you that you're going." There is probably an image some people have of me getting on the plane and looking a little baffled. (Of if you are a Starbucks person, doing my Vanilla? face.) The truth is, it hit me that I was leaving much much earlier, and it followed me all through Spring. For something that I had wanted so badly and for so long, it caused me a lot of pain. I was questioning the choice I had made, worrying about all the oncoming changes, and feeling isolated by the whole experience. I loved my life in Norwich, and to leave such a wonderful situation seemed nothing short of crazy, and in turn made me feel crazy. (Milly, you wondered what I was doing every time I disappeared upstairs in the Waterfront - usually I was thinking about this. And befriending edgy girls in the bathroom.)

Of course, the negative feelings did pass, and I can say now that I'm finally on my way: this was definitely the right decision. I am a bit concerned that I have no furniture, no idea how to get around Chapel Hill - and no access to chocolate HobNobs. But aside from these obstacles, I'm excited to meet my new housemates at Raleigh/Durham airport in just 8 hours. I'm excited to be reunited with my favourite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory. I'm excited to see my new home, new campus, new local Starbucks!

I'm sure it will be a crazy - and at times, stressful - ride, but I intend to make the most of it, and record as much as I can here. Before I finish this entry, I must say thank you to everyone for your encouragement and support. I had an amazing time prior to leaving, and I really appreciate the effort everyone made to see me and say goodbye. I must also thank those at UNC and my other American contacts for answering my never-ending questions - particularly Melissa, who recommended North Carolina to me in the first place.

Now that I have arrived in Chapel Hill, expect another blog post from me soon. Stay safe and stay in touch!